I often panic over nothing. When the wife trapped me into producing little gambling gurus, i did worry that they may end up with my intelligence and the wife’s looks, which would have narrowed down their future career prospects to ‘circus attraction’. Luckily, they’ve ended up with the wife’s brain, and curiously, the milkman’s looks. I say curious, as the wife and I are lactose intolerant; we have absolutely no time for lactose, and we’re not shy in speaking of our displeasure.

 

I bring this to your attention because little Pkv Goliath is quite bright; he’s trying to remember animals by associating them with football. Whenever Ruud Van Nistelrooy comes off the bench for Man U, he shouts ‘horsey’, as Peter Crouch heads wide he cries ‘donkey’ and when Chelsea are playing, he shakes his head and murmurs ‘cheetahs’. It seems that everyone has cottoned on to Chelsea’s lack of sportsmanship, referees will be next. Any Chelsea player to be booked for diving / simulation against Birmingham is an 11/2 shot.

 

Amongst all the theatrics, there will also be a game of football. You’ve got to fancy Chelsea to take three points home from St Andrew’s, but 1/3 does not represent value. Playing the correct scores can solve this conundrum; Chelsea to win either 1-0, 2-0 or 3-0 is a 5/4 shot; now we’re cooking.

 

Phil Neville scored a beauty last week, unfortunately, it was an own goal, against Liverpool. His brother must have been literally seething. Everton are the lucky beneficiaries of a home fixture against Sunderland; they’re 3/10, certainties doesn’t really cover it.

 

You can’t get rich backing Everton, so taking an interest in a bookings market may prove to be a profitable play. Duncan Ferguson is a fearsome character, like Jason Donovan, he’s done a little bird in the past. Big Dunc took only nine minutes to find his name in the book last week in the Merseyside derby; he’s a 7/2 shot to have his name taken again.

 

Bolton’s Reebok stadium is a genuine fortress, but Manchester United have a tasty army. Wayne Rooney missed a couple of golden chances against Birmingham last week (If they were chicken legs, he would have put them away), but remains a class act. A rested Van Nistelrooy is back in favour and the talented wobbly-legged Ronaldo has already helped himself to a pair against Bolton earlier in the season. United are available at 10/11, its time to go to war.

 

Unfortunately for Villa fans, Milan Baros has a get-out clause in his contract that can be triggered if a bid is received for £7 million pound or more, virtually ruling out a potential transfer. The poster declaring ‘We’re not fickle, we just don’t like you’ sums up the supporters’ frustration towards O’Leary’s inability to motivate; an Aston Villa divided amongst itself can not possibly survive at Highbury. Arsenal may rest a couple of players with one eye on Wednesday’s 2nd leg against Juventus, but in all honesty, I’d back Arsenal’s reserves at 2/7 at home to the Villa.

 

Jermaine Jenas didn’t enjoy his time at Newcastle, he compared his time there to living in a goldfish bowl. On a related note, it’s a fallacy that goldfish only have a memory span of a few seconds, Rio Ferdinand may have, but that’s a different kettle of fish. JJ is set for another disappointing trip to the North East, Spurs will have to settle for a draw, an 11/5 shot.

 

It’s been said that Middlesbrough’s Emanuel Pogatetz could start a ruck in an empty room, and still finish runner up; but don’t tell him who said it. The Austrian defender has either been booked or saw red in 14 matches this season, it’s 6/4 that he sees another card when he faces Joey Barton and Co. Man City have been depleted by injuries and suspensions, the Boro are the weekend nap at 11/4.